Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The bug that wouldn't die.

It is widely known that roaches can survive pretty much anything. They can still be up and walking around with their head cut off; they always seem to push through the pain of being squashed by my shoe (thrown from afar); and they are said to be the only thing that is going to be able to survive a nuclear blast. Here's what happened when I encountered one of those nuclear blast surviving roaches.

I walked into my living room, noticing a large brown spot on my light beige carpet. I didn't have my glasses on so I had to get closer to make sure it wasn't a stain or some lint off of my black slippers. When I saw what it was I jumped, I screamed, I ran around in circles. This is only the second bug I've seen in my place since I moved here. I had to have a plan.

Now, when I moved into my lovely uptown apartment I sprayed Bengal around the entire perimeter of the place, in every crack and crevise I could find. Living in Mississippi (with the biggest bugs EVER) helped me find out that little handy trick. So when I came across this huge beast of a bug on my floor, he was already on his back (thanks Bengal), but still fighting for his life.

My first plan: Throw phone books on him and do a tap dance on top of the books.
Result: Plan was thrown out when I remembered that he was on my soft, plush carpet.

Plan 2: Sweep him into a dustpan and throw him out the back door.
Result: When I attempted to sweep him I ended up turning him over and he started walking away. Screaming and jumping didn't phase him either. I had to sweep him until he was back on his back.

Plan 3: Put a wet paper towel on him, THEN sweep him into the dustpan. Move the dustpan into the kitchen (hard surface floor) and proceed with the original phone book idea.
Result: Got him into the dustpan (score one for Tracie), and pushed the dustpan into the kitchen with the broom. I was scared to pour him out of the dustpan so I just left him there to hopefully suffocate.

1 hour later - He crawled out of the wet paper towel and was now chilling on top of it. Almost like he climbed Mt. Everest or something, just perched up there feeling proud.

Plan 4: Knock the dustpan over with the broom, then throw 5 phone books on it, tap dance on top, and he'll be dead.
Result: When I knocked him out of the dustpan, I ran. Later, I peered around the corner to see that he was no longer in the paper towel, but he was still on his back. I had to get another wet paper towel, cover him again (which required me getting hella close to it), and then continue with the phone book plan.

Conclusion: I danced, twisted, and jumped on those phone books like I was crazy. I went to the store to get some Hawaiian Bread Rolls for Thanksgiving (my contribution) and when I came back, my phone books were gone!

Teehee. Just kidding. That's my mom's favorite joke, the "Roach stole my phone book" joke.
When I got back from the store, there just so happened to be two maintenance men outside talking. I asked them to pick up the bug for me and they did. That was nice.

I mean, what is a single, bug-fearing, girl like myself to do?
Add something else to my "What I like in a man list:" a man who knows that I'm scared of big bugs and will kill them without any hesitation. King Kong killed dinosaurs for that white chick, why can't I get somebody to step on bugs, pick them up, and not chase me around with them?

Can I get an AMEN?

5 comments:

Sage said...

This was HILARIOUS! Like you, I can't fool w/bugs...or rodents.

Ty said...

Too funny!

Cokoa Chanel said...

LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO!! I feel you on the scared tip but my fear is with lizards...girrrrrl you know me and lizards DO NOT get along. However, as I was enjoying your blog as I always do, tears began to fall from my eyes. I had gotten to your plans and nearly fell out of seat b/c I could picture your CRAZY butt running around and the expressions on your face! PRICELESS!!!

Rhea said...

you are crazy! how funny! and oh how i can relate!

BLESSD1 said...

SO SO FUNNY!!! My homegirl is TERRIFIED of spiders. One night, around 2am, I got a call from her. She sounded SO frantic that I thought something major was wrong. I asked what was wrong, and she told me that she saw a spider in her bathroom. I asked her where was she calling from, and she told me that she was calling from the motel 6 down the street; she GAVE HER WHOLE DANG HOUSE to the spider that night! LOL! Great stuff!