Thursday, August 2, 2007

Thursday THIRTEEN!!!

13 ways to gain weight (from a pro).

1. Eat a loaf of bread at night and go straight to sleep (really, you won't have a choice).

2. Eat fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's yummy.

3. Always go back for seconds; hell go back for thirds if hot dogs are involved.

4. Count trips to the bathroom as exercise.

5. Keep waiting on the "magic cure" for being overweight...it's coming, I swear.

6. Go deaf when your skinny friends wanna go running; it's just their way of asserting their power over you.

7. Know what you like from EVERY fast food place so if anybody's ever making a run - you're order is a no brainer.

8. Drive to your mailbox.

9. Find out where the exercise room is in your apartment complex and AVOID IT AT ALL COST. People sweat in there.

10. Wear workout clothes occasionally to trick skinny people into thinking you really give a damn.

11. Eat fast. Your stomach tells your brain it's full after 20 minutes...that's all the time you have.

12. Eat ice cream late at night (if it's light ice cream, just eat more).

13. Wear orange as much as possible. Miss Sylvia says it invokes hunger. (Another reason why working at Home Depot for so long was a bad idea.)

4 comments:

chrissy said...

First!

13 1/2. Eat chili cheese fries everyday and dip them in ranch, ice cream, and trans fat. Yum.

Jessica said...

what happened to the jess diet???

Ken said...

;( I wear a lot of orange. Actually, during the years where I gained most of my weight, Orange was my favorite color. Orange & Maroon were the colors of my college. I like orange creamcicles (sp.?).

:/ I'm depressed. I think I'm going to go eat something.

Tracie said...

Jess, if I was still on the "Jess Diet" I would look like you by now. I need MEAT DAMNIT!!! MEAT, MEAT, MEAT.